The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!
Later.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Condom joke
Being as the last post was about condoms, I thought a joke about the subject was in order.
A teenager goes into a pharmacy. He's a little bit shy when talking to the pharmacist. "I'd like to buy some condoms" he says. The pharmacists asks him,
"Have you ever bought condoms before son?"
"Nope."
"Well, this is how it works," the pharacist says "We've got the three pack for when you are in high school. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Then we have a 7 pack when you are in college - Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Then we've got a 12 pack for when you are married. "January, February, …."
Later.
A teenager goes into a pharmacy. He's a little bit shy when talking to the pharmacist. "I'd like to buy some condoms" he says. The pharmacists asks him,
"Have you ever bought condoms before son?"
"Nope."
"Well, this is how it works," the pharacist says "We've got the three pack for when you are in high school. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Then we have a 7 pack when you are in college - Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Then we've got a 12 pack for when you are married. "January, February, …."
Later.
When you want some "pronto"
Go check this out. It is a website for Pronto Condoms. I have never been in that big of a damn hurry, but it works. Click on the demo. I have never been to the point of readiness with a stiffy wanting to have sex where putting the condom on would just take too much time. Hell, the 10 seconds it takes to put on a regular condom makes up about half of the foreplay. Besides, imagine that bastard coming open in your wallet the first time you sit down. Later.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Not a bad weekend
What a weekend. It started off with a trip to the one and only Topsy Mardi Gras parade. Those of you who don’t know about Topsy, Louisiana, I will let you in on it. It is a very small community consisting of one gas station, one VFW, several churches, and a shit pot load of rednecks including many suspected Klansmen. It is so far out in the woods they have to have their sunshine piped in folks.
Anyway, these locals throw a parade the Saturday before Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday for you Yankees) every year. It consist of usually trucks or tractors pulling flatbed lowboy trailers decorated the night before with purple, gold and hay. No fancy “crews” with membership dues like the city folk in Lake Charles. Any jackass with a trailer and a means to pull it can enter. The thing with Topsy, the parade route is on the only road that goes through Topsy. We showed up right before the last two floats came by. There were a lot of pissed off cars behind the parade. After the parade we went back to a friend’s house where earlier they had a crawfish boil.
My wife and I visited there for a couple of hours before heading out to a local restaurant where my uncle was playing guitar and singing. He is from Texas and was in town for a family reunion. The owners of the restaurant are kinfolks and set him up in the corner of the bar with a mike. Last year, he made a cd and I got one for Christmas. I purchased two more copies of his cd; one for my Jeep and one for an ex-coworker. He sounds even better in person.
Sunday I woke up and met my parents, uncle and his girlfriend at church for Sunday morning mass. We had a social and a blood drive after church. So I had some time to visit with my parents and uncle there. Not a bad weekend at all. Later.
Anyway, these locals throw a parade the Saturday before Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday for you Yankees) every year. It consist of usually trucks or tractors pulling flatbed lowboy trailers decorated the night before with purple, gold and hay. No fancy “crews” with membership dues like the city folk in Lake Charles. Any jackass with a trailer and a means to pull it can enter. The thing with Topsy, the parade route is on the only road that goes through Topsy. We showed up right before the last two floats came by. There were a lot of pissed off cars behind the parade. After the parade we went back to a friend’s house where earlier they had a crawfish boil.
My wife and I visited there for a couple of hours before heading out to a local restaurant where my uncle was playing guitar and singing. He is from Texas and was in town for a family reunion. The owners of the restaurant are kinfolks and set him up in the corner of the bar with a mike. Last year, he made a cd and I got one for Christmas. I purchased two more copies of his cd; one for my Jeep and one for an ex-coworker. He sounds even better in person.
Sunday I woke up and met my parents, uncle and his girlfriend at church for Sunday morning mass. We had a social and a blood drive after church. So I had some time to visit with my parents and uncle there. Not a bad weekend at all. Later.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Hot for teacher
Damn! Of all my years in school, I never had a teacher that looked like this. This Florida history teacher just quit her job so she could pose in Playboy. She is in the March issue.
I did have a couple of teachers that I had the hots for. The first was my fourth grade teacher. Ms. Hornsby. She was amazing. I look back at all the stupid shit I did in her class just to get her attention. She probably saw me as a trouble maker and I saw her as a goddess. She actually thought she was punishing me by making me spend my recess time with her instead of playing outside. I was in hog-heaven spending my lunch breaks with her. I did what it took to get her attention.
The next teacher I had a thing for was one of my high school science teachers. Ms. B. She had transferred to our school after I had already been in high school for awhile. She gave us the option for a book report or a science fair project. I talked a fellow student into the science fair project so that I could get in on her good side. I told him all he had to do was supply the wood for the back drop and I would do all the rest. The project was the effect of music on one’s blood pressure. Between you and me, I fabricated the whole thing up. From the ten volunteers I supposedly monitored to the data obtained in my report. I couldn’t give to shits about what the blood pressure does when listening to music. I just cared about my blood pressure when I was around her. The bad thing is that we won first place in our school. The good thing is that she worked with us after hours to help make our project more presentable for the next fair. Now, here we are on our way to the Burton Coliseum for the regional science fair of all the local schools in the region. We didn’t win anything and I was glad. I couldn’t imagine going to state with a bogus project. It is amazing what a student will do for a good looking teacher. Later.
I did have a couple of teachers that I had the hots for. The first was my fourth grade teacher. Ms. Hornsby. She was amazing. I look back at all the stupid shit I did in her class just to get her attention. She probably saw me as a trouble maker and I saw her as a goddess. She actually thought she was punishing me by making me spend my recess time with her instead of playing outside. I was in hog-heaven spending my lunch breaks with her. I did what it took to get her attention.
The next teacher I had a thing for was one of my high school science teachers. Ms. B. She had transferred to our school after I had already been in high school for awhile. She gave us the option for a book report or a science fair project. I talked a fellow student into the science fair project so that I could get in on her good side. I told him all he had to do was supply the wood for the back drop and I would do all the rest. The project was the effect of music on one’s blood pressure. Between you and me, I fabricated the whole thing up. From the ten volunteers I supposedly monitored to the data obtained in my report. I couldn’t give to shits about what the blood pressure does when listening to music. I just cared about my blood pressure when I was around her. The bad thing is that we won first place in our school. The good thing is that she worked with us after hours to help make our project more presentable for the next fair. Now, here we are on our way to the Burton Coliseum for the regional science fair of all the local schools in the region. We didn’t win anything and I was glad. I couldn’t imagine going to state with a bogus project. It is amazing what a student will do for a good looking teacher. Later.
Friday, February 09, 2007
This is America; love it or leave it
Can you believe this horseshit! This American owns Geno’s restaurant and put a sign in the window stating “This is America… when ordering please speak English.” And now people are suing him for discrimination. This is what’s wrong with the stinking country! When you allow a small few dictate what the rest has to do then you get this kind of crap. It is f@#king bullshit! I say make the sign bigger! Don’t ever take it down. Everyone who is offended can suck my dick. Later.
Terri Hatcher likes BUSH!
Who would of ever thunk it? No, she isn’t a carpet muncher, that I know of, just enjoying dinner with the elder George Bush. Here is a link to the video. Now old George doesn’t just pat her on the butt like a baseball player does, he spanks that ass a couple of times. I mean damn! I wouldn’t be worried about a camera catching me in the act, just Ms. Bush catching me. Later.
Monday, February 05, 2007
One more reason not to vote that douche-bag into office
I found this list over here and he mentioned to spread the word. So I am doing my part. If only half this list were true, it still would be hard not to see some fault on the Clintons.
Just a quick refresher course lest we forget what has happened to many “friends”of the Clintons.
1-James McDougal - Clinton’s convicted Whitewater partner died of an apparent heart attack, while in solitary confinement. He was a key witness in Ken Starr’s investigation.
2 -Mary Mahoney - A former White House intern was murdered July 1997 at a Starbucks Coffee Shop in Georgetown. The murder happened justAfter she was to go public with her story of sexual harassment in the White House.
3- Vince Foster - Former Wite House councilor, and colleague of Hillary Clinton at Little Rock’s Rose Law firm. Died of a gunshot wound to the head, ruled a suicide.
4- Ron Brown - Secretary of Commerce and former DNC Chairman. Reported to have died by impact in a plane crash. A pathologist close to the investigation reported that there was a hole in the top of Brown’s skull resembling a gunshot wound. At the time of his death Brown was being investigated, and spoke publicly of his willingness to cut a deal with prosecutors. The rest of the people on the plane also died. A few days later the air Traffic controller commited suicide.
5- C. Victor Raiser II- Raiser, a major player in the Clinton fund raising organization died in a private plane crash in July 1992.
6-Paul Tulley - Democratic National Committee Political Director found dead in a hotel room in Little Rock, September 1992. Described by Clinton as a “Dear friend and trusted advisor”.
7-Ed Willey - Clinton fund raiser, found dead November 1993 deep in the woods in VA of a gunshot wound to the head. Ruled a suicide. Ed Willey died on the same day his wife Kathleen Willey claimed Bill Clinton groped her in the oval office in the White House. Ed Willey was involved in several Clinton fund raising events.
8-Jerry Parks -Head of Clinton’s gubernatorial security team in Little Rock. Gunned down in his car at a deserted intersection outside Little Rock. Park’s son said his father was building a dossier on Clinton. He allegedly threatened to reveal this information. After he died the files were mysteriously removed from his house.
9-James Bunch - Died from a gunshot suicide. It was reported that he had a “Black Book” of people which contained names of influential people who visited prostitutes in Texas and Arkansas.
10-James Wilson - Was found dead in May 1993 from an apparent hanging suicide. He was reported to have ties to Whitewater.
11-Kathy Ferguson- Ex-wife of Arkansas Trooper Danny Ferguson, was found dead in May 1994, in her living room with a gunshot to her head. It was ruled a suicide even though there were several packed suitcases, as if she were going somewhere. Danny Ferguson was a co-defendant along with Bill Clinton in the Paula Jones lawsuit. Kathy Ferguson was a possible corroborating witness for Paula Jones.
12-Bill Shelton - Arkansas State Trooper and fiancee of Kathy Ferguson. Critical of the suicide ruling of his fiancee, he was found dead in June, 1994 of a gunshot wound also ruled a suicide at the grave site of his fiancee.
13-Gandy Baugh - Attorney for Clinton’s friend Dan Lassater, died by jumping out a window of a tall building January, 1994. His client was a convicted drug distributor.
14-Florence Martin - Accountant & sub-contractor for the CIA, was related to the Barry Seal Mena Airport drug smuggling case. He died of three gunshot wounds.
15- Suzanne Coleman - Reportedly had an affair with Clinton when he was Arkansas Attorney General. Died of a gunshot wound to the back of the head, ruled a suicide. Was pregnant at the time of her death.
16-Paula Grober - Clinton’s speech interpreter for the deaf from 1978 until her death December 9, 1992. She died in a one car accident.
17-Danny Casolaro - Investigative reporter. Investigating Mena Airport and Arkansas Development Finance Authority. He slit his wrists, apparently, in the middle of his investigation.
18- Paul Wilcher - Attorney investigating corruption at Mena Airport with Casolaro and the 1980 “October Surprise” was found dead on a toilet June 22, 1993 in his Washington DC apartment. Had delivered a report to Janet Reno 3 weeks before his death.
19-Jon Parnell Walker - Whitewater investigator for Resolution Trust Corp. Jumped to his death from his Arlington, Virginia apartment balcony August 15, 1993. He was investigating the Morgan Guaranty scandal.
20-Barbara Wise - Commerce Department staffer. Worked closely with Ron Brown and John Huang. Cause of death unknown. Died November 29, 1996. Her bruised, nude body was found locked in her office at the Department of Commerce.
21-Charles Meissner -Assistant Secretary of Commerce who gave John Huang special security clearance, died shortly thereafter in a small plane crash.
22-Dr. Stanley Heard - Chairman of the National Chiropractic Health Care Advisory Committee died with his attorney Steve Dickson in a small plane crash. Dr. Heard, in addition to serving on Clinton’s advisory council personally treated Clinton’s mother, stepfather and brother.
23-Barry Seal -Drug running pilot out of Mena Arkansas, death was no accident.
24-Johnny Lawhorn Jr. - Mechanic, found a check made out to Bill Clinton in the trunk of a car left at his repair shop. He was found dead after his car had hit a utility pole.
25-Stanley Huggins - Investigated Madison Guaranty. His death was a purported suicide and his report was never released.
26- Hershell Friday - Attorney and Clinton fund raiser died March 1, 1994 when his plane exploded.
27-Kevin Ives & Don Henry - Known as “The boys on the track” case. Reports say the boys may have stumbled upon the Mena Arkansas airport drug operation. A controversial case, the initial report of death said, due to falling asleep on railroad tracks. Later reports claim the 2 boys had been slain before being placed on the tracks. Many linked to the case died before their testimony could come before a Grand Jury.
THE FOLLOWING PERSONS HAD INFORMATION ON THE IVES/HENRY CASE:
28-Keith Coney - Died when his motorcycle slammed into the back of a truck, 7/88.
29-Keith McMaskle ? Died, stabbed 113 times, Nov, 1988
30-Gregory Collins - Died from a gunshot wound January 1989.
31-Jeff Rhodes - He was shot, mutilated and found burned in a trash dump in April 1989.
33-James Milan - Found decapitated. However, the Coroner ruled his death was due to “natural causes”.
34-Jordan Kettleson - Was found shot to death in the front seat of his pickup truck in June 1990.
35-Richard Winters - A suspect in the Ives / Henry deaths. He was killed in a set-up robbery July 1989.
THE FOLLOWING CLINTON BODYGUARDS ARE DEAD:
36 -Major William S. Barkley Jr.
37-Captain Scott J . Reynolds
38-Sgt. Brian Hanley
39-Sgt. Tim Sabel
40-Major General William Robertson
41-Col. William Densberger
42-Col. Robert Kelly
43-Spec. Gary Rhodes
44-Steve Willis
45-Robert Williams
46-Conway LeBleu
47-Todd McKeehan
Hell of a list, ain't it? You know the old saying "where there is smoke there is fire"? This is not smoke ladies and gentlemen; this is a scorched forrest. How can any sane person not look at the Clintons in a guilty way? Although by judging from the list, I would not make public knowledge of my feelings of thier guilt. Later.
Just a quick refresher course lest we forget what has happened to many “friends”of the Clintons.
1-James McDougal - Clinton’s convicted Whitewater partner died of an apparent heart attack, while in solitary confinement. He was a key witness in Ken Starr’s investigation.
2 -Mary Mahoney - A former White House intern was murdered July 1997 at a Starbucks Coffee Shop in Georgetown. The murder happened justAfter she was to go public with her story of sexual harassment in the White House.
3- Vince Foster - Former Wite House councilor, and colleague of Hillary Clinton at Little Rock’s Rose Law firm. Died of a gunshot wound to the head, ruled a suicide.
4- Ron Brown - Secretary of Commerce and former DNC Chairman. Reported to have died by impact in a plane crash. A pathologist close to the investigation reported that there was a hole in the top of Brown’s skull resembling a gunshot wound. At the time of his death Brown was being investigated, and spoke publicly of his willingness to cut a deal with prosecutors. The rest of the people on the plane also died. A few days later the air Traffic controller commited suicide.
5- C. Victor Raiser II- Raiser, a major player in the Clinton fund raising organization died in a private plane crash in July 1992.
6-Paul Tulley - Democratic National Committee Political Director found dead in a hotel room in Little Rock, September 1992. Described by Clinton as a “Dear friend and trusted advisor”.
7-Ed Willey - Clinton fund raiser, found dead November 1993 deep in the woods in VA of a gunshot wound to the head. Ruled a suicide. Ed Willey died on the same day his wife Kathleen Willey claimed Bill Clinton groped her in the oval office in the White House. Ed Willey was involved in several Clinton fund raising events.
8-Jerry Parks -Head of Clinton’s gubernatorial security team in Little Rock. Gunned down in his car at a deserted intersection outside Little Rock. Park’s son said his father was building a dossier on Clinton. He allegedly threatened to reveal this information. After he died the files were mysteriously removed from his house.
9-James Bunch - Died from a gunshot suicide. It was reported that he had a “Black Book” of people which contained names of influential people who visited prostitutes in Texas and Arkansas.
10-James Wilson - Was found dead in May 1993 from an apparent hanging suicide. He was reported to have ties to Whitewater.
11-Kathy Ferguson- Ex-wife of Arkansas Trooper Danny Ferguson, was found dead in May 1994, in her living room with a gunshot to her head. It was ruled a suicide even though there were several packed suitcases, as if she were going somewhere. Danny Ferguson was a co-defendant along with Bill Clinton in the Paula Jones lawsuit. Kathy Ferguson was a possible corroborating witness for Paula Jones.
12-Bill Shelton - Arkansas State Trooper and fiancee of Kathy Ferguson. Critical of the suicide ruling of his fiancee, he was found dead in June, 1994 of a gunshot wound also ruled a suicide at the grave site of his fiancee.
13-Gandy Baugh - Attorney for Clinton’s friend Dan Lassater, died by jumping out a window of a tall building January, 1994. His client was a convicted drug distributor.
14-Florence Martin - Accountant & sub-contractor for the CIA, was related to the Barry Seal Mena Airport drug smuggling case. He died of three gunshot wounds.
15- Suzanne Coleman - Reportedly had an affair with Clinton when he was Arkansas Attorney General. Died of a gunshot wound to the back of the head, ruled a suicide. Was pregnant at the time of her death.
16-Paula Grober - Clinton’s speech interpreter for the deaf from 1978 until her death December 9, 1992. She died in a one car accident.
17-Danny Casolaro - Investigative reporter. Investigating Mena Airport and Arkansas Development Finance Authority. He slit his wrists, apparently, in the middle of his investigation.
18- Paul Wilcher - Attorney investigating corruption at Mena Airport with Casolaro and the 1980 “October Surprise” was found dead on a toilet June 22, 1993 in his Washington DC apartment. Had delivered a report to Janet Reno 3 weeks before his death.
19-Jon Parnell Walker - Whitewater investigator for Resolution Trust Corp. Jumped to his death from his Arlington, Virginia apartment balcony August 15, 1993. He was investigating the Morgan Guaranty scandal.
20-Barbara Wise - Commerce Department staffer. Worked closely with Ron Brown and John Huang. Cause of death unknown. Died November 29, 1996. Her bruised, nude body was found locked in her office at the Department of Commerce.
21-Charles Meissner -Assistant Secretary of Commerce who gave John Huang special security clearance, died shortly thereafter in a small plane crash.
22-Dr. Stanley Heard - Chairman of the National Chiropractic Health Care Advisory Committee died with his attorney Steve Dickson in a small plane crash. Dr. Heard, in addition to serving on Clinton’s advisory council personally treated Clinton’s mother, stepfather and brother.
23-Barry Seal -Drug running pilot out of Mena Arkansas, death was no accident.
24-Johnny Lawhorn Jr. - Mechanic, found a check made out to Bill Clinton in the trunk of a car left at his repair shop. He was found dead after his car had hit a utility pole.
25-Stanley Huggins - Investigated Madison Guaranty. His death was a purported suicide and his report was never released.
26- Hershell Friday - Attorney and Clinton fund raiser died March 1, 1994 when his plane exploded.
27-Kevin Ives & Don Henry - Known as “The boys on the track” case. Reports say the boys may have stumbled upon the Mena Arkansas airport drug operation. A controversial case, the initial report of death said, due to falling asleep on railroad tracks. Later reports claim the 2 boys had been slain before being placed on the tracks. Many linked to the case died before their testimony could come before a Grand Jury.
THE FOLLOWING PERSONS HAD INFORMATION ON THE IVES/HENRY CASE:
28-Keith Coney - Died when his motorcycle slammed into the back of a truck, 7/88.
29-Keith McMaskle ? Died, stabbed 113 times, Nov, 1988
30-Gregory Collins - Died from a gunshot wound January 1989.
31-Jeff Rhodes - He was shot, mutilated and found burned in a trash dump in April 1989.
33-James Milan - Found decapitated. However, the Coroner ruled his death was due to “natural causes”.
34-Jordan Kettleson - Was found shot to death in the front seat of his pickup truck in June 1990.
35-Richard Winters - A suspect in the Ives / Henry deaths. He was killed in a set-up robbery July 1989.
THE FOLLOWING CLINTON BODYGUARDS ARE DEAD:
36 -Major William S. Barkley Jr.
37-Captain Scott J . Reynolds
38-Sgt. Brian Hanley
39-Sgt. Tim Sabel
40-Major General William Robertson
41-Col. William Densberger
42-Col. Robert Kelly
43-Spec. Gary Rhodes
44-Steve Willis
45-Robert Williams
46-Conway LeBleu
47-Todd McKeehan
Hell of a list, ain't it? You know the old saying "where there is smoke there is fire"? This is not smoke ladies and gentlemen; this is a scorched forrest. How can any sane person not look at the Clintons in a guilty way? Although by judging from the list, I would not make public knowledge of my feelings of thier guilt. Later.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Just a couple of jokes to get you through the last day before the weekend.
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,"You Can Be The Man Of Your House." He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert."After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
And another one.
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." but the girl said "NO."Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.She agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened..
She said "The bastard used quarters!"
Later.
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,"You Can Be The Man Of Your House." He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert."After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
And another one.
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." but the girl said "NO."Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.She agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened..
She said "The bastard used quarters!"
Later.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Wouldn't it be nice
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN, GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?
My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there. The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mesamis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America.
To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America. Thank you and good night.
But you will never hear this unfortunately. No one in Washington has any balls. Just all of our damn money. Later.
My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there. The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mesamis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America.
To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America. Thank you and good night.
But you will never hear this unfortunately. No one in Washington has any balls. Just all of our damn money. Later.
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